"Pain is what creates my music. I'm useless when I'm happy."
Pink talking to Herbie Hancock & John Legend in music video "Don't Give Up"
I attempted to write a post yesterday to share all that has happened in the last week to me. It is not happening.
In short, what happened last week was I was stopped dead in my tracks by myself after I had publicly agreed with Pink on a Facebook post in her above comment. It didn't happen right away, but within the hour. I seriously at there and asked myself, "Can I create my writing, my art without being in pain? Is this really what type of artist I want to be?"
Then the kicker of questions started to hit me: "Am I holding onto all my pain because I have always wanted to be a writer and my story by golly is a damn good book? Am I holding onto my story because I identify with it as my livelihood going forward as a writer? Am I willing to hold onto this story and forgo becoming whole just in order to still be a writer?
OR…..oooor am I willing to lay down even this part of me,
to say that I will never write my story and maybe never write again…
in order to find myself, my true Self?
Am I open to a completely different path?"
But what else is there for me? I have always wanted to be a writer since I was in 2nd grade. This has been so deeply rooted in me that until last week I did not know how strongly I was holding on to it.
As I sat there and contemplated this, I once again saw the beauty of the season that is around me. The significance of the death on the cross, the symbology that is lying in there. For it is in death that we become nothing. In death, we are all once again equalized into the place where names, labels, career paths, titles, etc do not matter. For it is in death that we become one with the Oneness of All that is.
For in death, in becoming One with the One, I allow space, room for a new seed, or the true seed of who I really am to be revealed, to be resurrected to my new body, my new form, my true purpose.
My answer then and my answer is still: YES! Yes I am willing to lay down my life, to be all in to my own death in order to let go again of all that I thought I was in order to discover and feel who I truly am.
I would love to say that my death and resurrection happened as quickly as Jesus' did…alas they are not. I am yet in the process of still letting go.
For the most part, I feel I have let go of my story and the anger, hurt and disappointment from last week about the men in my life and my sexual abuse. I realized that I had already suffered most of my life unknowingly from the abuse…now I had an explanation as to why. Did I need to continue processing and suffering the pain of dragging up more of this past? Hell no! I had been there, done that…and I was ready to move on.
This allowed me to step back into the growing sense of who I know that I am - a soul created by Love to share Love and be Love. This has allowed me to see more clearly than every before my own Projection onto those around me, allowing me to pull myself back in and thus able to see the Other more clearly.
This is allowing me to once again see the Oneness between myself and these men that have been in my life, to focus on the Love of that Oneness and to choose to use that energy for my healing and expansion.
RELEASE, OPEN & RECEIVE: BREAKING OUT OF THE COCOON
This is allowing me to also see that I have lived my life in a way that I am choosing not to live any more. I have learned that if I want to create new behavior patterns for myself, I must not continue to use the same brain pathways I have always used. I must be willing to become like a child and experiment in creating new pathways in order to continue to see myself and the world in a new way. If I want to stop thinking in linear pathways, I have to do the "hard" work of creating pathways in my brain through my body that are not linear.
In short, I've got to change things up big time!
So, with that, I have decided that I yearn to FEEL life instead of reading about it. I desire to see my head knowledge become body knowledge…to learn to move through life in the entirety of my BODY
instead of just a portion of it. I have decided that the past no longer matters, neither my recent past or the distant past of humanity. What really matters for me right now is to learn a new way of BEING in the world.
For now, I am no longer reading the 14 or so books I just ordered…sigh.
For now, I am no longer going to be writing…at least not with words on this blog and in my journal.
Instead, I am going to explore new ways to be in my body.
I am going to close my eyes more and listen to what the entirety of my body is speaking to me.
I am going to close my eyes and feel into the energy of those around me to get past the words and into the nonverbal.
I am going to stop talking in duality. No more feminine and masculine. No more this versus that.
I am going to focus on the Oneness.
I am going to explore my new hobby of Acroyoga (see pic above)!
I am going to use my hands to paint new patterns into my body
. (see pic below)
I am going to move more and sit less.
I am going to twirl in circles and dance throughout my day.
I am going to be with people more, practice Reiki more, practice coaching more, practice Loving more.
I am going to let the past be just that, the past. A story I no longer need and that no longer serves me. I am letting go of the why's, the how's and the need to understand every little detail in favor of feeling the energy that resides at this moment within my own body.
I am going to practice using this Eros, Kundalini Energy to CREATE life all around me. To lead with this energy, to be in this energy, allowing this energy to fuel my days instead of suppressing, ignoring, downplaying or running away from it. And when another stirs up this powerful "storm" or energy within - I will THANK them for their presence instead of running from them, whether they are able to stay around or not.
I am going to practice being me more often, regardless of how I think this fits into other people's lives or stories. Basically, I will not occupy myself with if I am triggering another by being me…as long as I am living from my source of Love and being authentic to me, I am trusting the outcome!
I am going to practice being in the moment.
To choose to convert and use the energy in and around me for
Healing and Love.
I am going to practice writing a new story in a new way.
I am going to keep it simple.
Stay in my story.
Creating my story
moment by moment.
P.S. I have no idea what all this means for my blog. I am completely wide open to the Divine. I have asked for direction and am trusting that it will be given to me each step of the way when I am ready for it. In the meantime, I am in the game of life - and loving it.
If you want to continue to be in touch with me and the energy that I am brining into this world, I encourage you to pick up the phone or shoot me an email and to take this conversation into real time. I will be transferring this blog to www.hollichristinemccormick.com.
I am now offering "Metamorphosis Coaching" for any brave souls that want to RELEASE their old stories, OPEN up to the new and RECEIVE their freedom to fly!
Nothing could make me happier than being me while joining you on your journey. Will you please allow me to join in on your journey of breaking out of the cocoon?