Thursday, April 17, 2014


"Pain is what creates my music. I'm useless when I'm happy."
Pink talking to Herbie Hancock & John Legend in music video "Don't Give Up"

I attempted to write a post yesterday to share all that has happened in the last week to me.  It is not happening.

In short, what happened last week was I was stopped dead in my tracks by myself after I had publicly agreed with Pink on a Facebook post in her above comment.  It didn't happen right away, but within the hour.  I seriously at there and asked myself, "Can I create my writing, my art without being in pain?  Is this really what type of artist I want to be?"

Then the kicker of questions started to hit me: "Am I holding onto all my pain because I have always wanted to be a writer and my story by golly is a damn good book?  Am I holding onto my story because I identify with it as my livelihood going forward as a writer? Am I willing to hold onto this story and forgo becoming whole just in order to still be a writer?

 OR…..oooor am I willing to lay down even this part of me, 
to say that I will never write my story and maybe never write again…
in order to find myself, my true Self?  
Am I open to a completely different path?"

But what else is there for me? I have always wanted to be a writer since I was in 2nd grade.  This has been so deeply rooted in me that until last week I did not know how strongly I was holding on to it.  

As I sat there and contemplated this, I once again saw the beauty of the season that is around me.  The significance of the death on the cross, the symbology that is lying in there.  For it is in death that we become nothing.  In death, we are all once again equalized into the place where names, labels, career paths, titles, etc do not matter.  For it is in death that we become one with the Oneness of All that is.  

For in death, in becoming One with the One, I allow space, room for a new seed, or the true seed of who I really am to be revealed, to be resurrected to my new body, my new form, my true purpose.

My answer then and my answer is still: YES!  Yes I am willing to lay down my life, to be all in to my own death in order to let go again of all that I thought I was in order to discover and feel who I truly am.

I would love to say that my death and resurrection happened as quickly as Jesus' did…alas they are not.  I am yet in the process of still letting go.

For the most part, I feel I have let go of my story and the anger, hurt and disappointment from last week about the men in my life and my sexual abuse.  I realized that I had already suffered most of my life unknowingly from the abuse…now I had an explanation as to why.  Did I need to continue processing and suffering the pain of dragging up more of this past?  Hell no!  I had been there, done that…and I was ready to move on.  

This allowed me to step back into the growing sense of who I know that I am - a soul created by Love to share Love and be Love.   This has allowed me to see more clearly than every before my own Projection onto those around me, allowing me to pull myself back in and thus able to see the Other more clearly.  

This is allowing me to once again see the Oneness between myself and these men that have been in my life, to focus on the Love of that Oneness and to choose to use that energy for my healing and expansion. 

This is allowing me to also see that I have lived my life in a way that I am choosing not to live any more.   I have learned that if I want to create new behavior patterns for myself, I must not continue to use the same brain pathways I have always used. I must be willing to become like a child and experiment in creating new pathways in order to continue to see myself and the world in a new way.  If I want to stop thinking in linear pathways, I have to do the "hard" work of creating pathways in my brain through my body that are not linear. 

In short, I've got to change things up big time!
So, with that, I have decided that I yearn to FEEL life instead of reading about it.  I desire to see my head knowledge become body knowledge…to learn to move through life in the entirety of my BODY
instead of just a portion of it.  I have decided that the past no longer matters, neither my recent past or the distant past of humanity.  What really matters for me right now is to learn a new way of BEING in the world.

For now, I am no longer reading the 14 or so books I just ordered…sigh.

For now, I am no longer going to be writing…at least not with words on this blog and in my journal.  

Instead, I am going to explore new ways to be in my body.

I am going to close my eyes more and listen to what the entirety of my body is speaking to me.

I am going to close my eyes and feel into the energy of those around me to get past the words and into the nonverbal.

I am going to stop talking in duality.  No more feminine and masculine.  No more this versus that.  

I am going to focus on the Oneness.

I am going to explore my new hobby of Acroyoga (see pic above)!

I am going to use my hands to paint new patterns into my body

. (see pic below)

I am going to move more and sit less.

I am going to twirl in circles and dance throughout my day.

I am going to be with people more, practice Reiki more, practice coaching more, practice Loving more.

I am going to let the past be just that, the past.  A story I no longer need and that no longer serves me.  I am letting go of the why's, the how's and the need to understand every little detail in favor of feeling the energy that resides at this moment within my own body.

I am going to practice letting go of my fear of my own Kundalini Energy - that energy that creates all of life with passion and play.  The energy I have now experienced so poignantly in my own reflection…thinking it was the Other creating the storm in me when actually the Other was simply reflecting the storm of energy within me...back to me.

I am going to practice using this Eros, Kundalini Energy to CREATE life all around me.  To lead with this energy, to be in this energy, allowing this energy to fuel my days instead of suppressing, ignoring,  downplaying or running away from it.  And when another stirs up this powerful "storm" or energy within - I will THANK them for their presence instead of running from them, whether they are able to stay around or not.

I am going to practice being me more often, regardless of how I think this fits into other people's lives or stories.  Basically, I will not occupy myself with if I am triggering another by being me…as long as I am living from my source of Love and being authentic to me, I am trusting the outcome!

I am going to practice being in the moment.  
To choose to convert and use the energy in and around me for 
Healing and Love.  
I am going to practice writing a new story in a new way.

I am going to keep it simple.
Stay in my story.
Creating my story
moment by moment.

P.S. I have no idea what all this means for my blog.  I am completely wide open to the Divine.  I have asked for direction and am trusting that it will be given to me each step of the way when I am ready for it.  In the meantime, I am in the game of life - and loving it. 

If you want to continue to be in touch with me and the energy that I am brining into this world, I encourage you to pick up the phone or shoot me an email and to take this conversation into real time.  I will be transferring this blog to  

I am now offering "Metamorphosis Coaching" for any brave souls that want to RELEASE their old stories, OPEN up to the new and RECEIVE their freedom to fly! 

Nothing could make me happier than being me while joining you on your journey.  Will you please allow me to join in on your journey of breaking out of the cocoon? 

Monday, April 14, 2014

DREAMING AWAKE: Coach with me to learn how

Do you feel you are missing something of depth in your life and cannot name it? Like you are always defined by roles the Church tells you to play…knowing there is something more to life than the blushing bride, the doting wife or the loving mother?

Want to get unstuck in your life, break out to live the life of your dreams and  
learn how your body is the best teacher and messenger you have?

I have a few spots open for coaching that I would love to invite you to join in the amazing journey of discovering your own truth and living by it. Please message me or email me at to enroll in your body and your life today.

Looking foreword to partnering with you soon as you reclaim your life!

Wednesday, April 9, 2014

WAKE ME UP: Gifts of Penetration

"But perhaps you have not noticed: the truth is forever changing."
The fortuneteller to Peter in The Magician's Elephant

"But why mommy? Why do the stars shine?  Why does the sun come out in the day?  Why do roses bloom?  Why does he act like that?  Why do I have to go to sleep now?  Why, mommy, why?"

I was one of those children who must have driven my mother insane with the amount of times I asked the question "why?".  I can remember driving in the car after school, my mother asking me how my day had gone, and then launching into endless questions all beginning with why.  I do not really remember the content of those questions, but I do remember the incessant "whying".

For whatever reason, I have been created to want to know the whys in life.  To want to make understanding of my world, to put puzzle pieces together and to have some solid foundation from these puzzles to move forward.  Now, as I glance back at my life and see how tumultuous the times were from the time I was born - understanding a few different theories of psychological development of the human being - I can certainly understand or guess that perhaps I had this "need" for it helped me create an idea of safety and security in my unsafe and insecure psyche and physical world.

When I began my quest to remove myself from abusive relationships, most of it was driven with asking the tough questions in order to understand how we as a world developed our abusive patterns with the hopes that if I understood where and how these abusive patterns began, that I could find a way to unwind the web of deception and hurt and pain that abusiveness is bringing into the world.  These questions have led me on a long path of uncovering cultural webs so deep and unseen about the idea of gender, gender roles, relationships, co-depedency, hierarchies and the me much understanding and what I do believe is a unique approach to approaching and eradicating abuse - at least an approach that is not as commonly used by the general public.  

These questions have also been reflected back to me as I have allowed them to, allowing me an inside glimpse of how to heal my own wounded psyche.  I would say that every time I found or had an "ah ha" moment about the world...I would shortly have an "ah ha" moment within myself.  

Yet, one thing I have found as I've dug into history is that history is not as concrete as we would like to think.  That the real point of studying history isn't to think we know exactly where we have been in order to know where not to go.  The real point of studying history is to see that there are many views of history, many different experiences of it, and many experiences of it we will never know because we were not physically there.  

To say this another way: knowing that there are more views on history than what I was taught in school or by the media or culture, I have come to understand that two realities (or more) can co-exist at the same time and be equally valid.  I.E. - "the truth is forever changing," the more I read, study, talk to others and get outside of my own limiting stories and beliefs.

Knowing this, I have taken it upon myself, being fully vested with my own authority, to move through the elements of my past - to feel and honor the pain, anger, sadness, loss, etc - to the other side and then take up my "pen" and rewrite that past from a different point of view (reality) in order to move from the reality of fear and hate and blame into the reality of pleasure and passion and love.

Yet, the latest element of my past to have been stirred up - the pre-verbal sexual abuse - has spun me right back into my old pattern of asking why.  And I would say that I don't even stop at this question....but move onto the "how could he do this to me?"  Whether that "he" was my father or any of my former partners to men at large.

These questions got spun into a hurricane this weekend as I felt my anger resurfacing and investigated how to handle it.  Maybe I needed to dive into the victim role, get into it so I could really get out of me whatever it was that was still keeping me in anger.  I hollered out to my coach asking her advice and sharing that she does offer a practice that allows one to get in touch with the energy behind the victim role without getting into the story.  I decided that was what I needed to do.

Yet, the Divine had another plan for me.  One in which I would have to once again dive so deeply, so intimately and yet so unknowingly into the victim role that I would literally become the crippled old man I wrote about last week.  One where I was so desperately clinging to my questions and my feelings that I was entitled to answers from those who have come into my path and acted in ways that have left me feeling hurt or angry that I ended up flat on my back in physical pain.

As I went to bed Sunday night, I knew I was done with allowing others to cling on to me out of their own invisible emotional neediness.  I have looked at the past year and see where I needed to learn from my lessons on relationships, sure up my boundaries and make a conscious decision to do my relationships with both men and women different with these new boundaries.  Not out of putting up walls, but in attempts to ensure I can stay in Love and Wholeness as much as possible without owning something that was not mine to own.

That night, I was awoken twice during the night by my children.  The 2nd time was to rush my child to the bathroom before the throw up was all over our bedroom.  In the process, I unknowingly jacked up my psoas, throwing out my back and throwing my muscles into unseen spasms. When I finally realized I could not stand up straight, my pity party began...cursing my life and my situation and looking outward at others and asking that fateful question "why?".  

Why did these others, especially men, get to move on with their lives seemingly effortlessly, without pain and hurt? Why do I get stuck with round after round of illness and dis-ease, unable to get my feet back on the ground and to start my career I am so desperately wanting to start?  Why do they ignore me, blame me, play victim, run away from their own emotions and problems, and the wake of hurt and pain they have left in their path?  Why do I have to be the one to pay for others inability to grow up and face themselves?  Why do the women and children all around me seem to be the ones paying the price for the problems of our society while the men seem to get off scott free?  Why doesn't our culture hold men accountable for their actions?  Why, why, why?!?!!?!?!?

The questions and anger and venomous hatred steaming out of me reached a peak right as I was about to walk into my friend's office to have him work on my body.   My own personal wake up call came on the radio "Wake Me Up" by Avicii, and I turned it on so loud, screaming in so much anger at the world and the men in the world to "wake the f*ck up" to the reality they have helped create.  That we women, we need their help desperately to "fix it", to undo the thousands of years of abuse on our bodies and psyches...that us women, we are falling apart literally and cannot do it on our own anymore...that we don't want to...that we are desperate for men to join us on this journey by waking up and helping us with their gifts.

What I couldn't see in all my anger and rage was that I had become the clingy old man 
clinging to Others out of 
my own neediness to know "why?'...

Photo Credit and fitting article about connection
between the psoas (the muscles that I am suffering
from spasms) and the Soul.
As I lay there on the table in pain and anger, the tears flowing, my friend* calmly started to work his magic - both with the body work and his words...both of which penetrated me in ways that are still paying off 3 days later.  

We both said a lot.  He really never said anything new that I had not heard, read or thought of before.  He reminded me that it really is not about this side or that side, the feminine or the masculine, the light or the dark...but about wholeness, oneness, completeness in and of myself.  That we are all creators and that we have polarity between the masculine and feminine in order to become the creations and creators within our own bodies and souls.

He encouraged me to stop beating myself up emotionally, psychologically and now physically by asking the "why" question repeatedly...and allowed me to sit in the self-refleciton that by doing so, I was really trying to change that which I cannot change...was staying stuck in the old and not letting it go...that I was holding on to other people's baggage for them instead of moving into the love and pleasure and joy I desire to live in.   

He reminded me to back up and "keep it simple."  Feel the energy, don't deny it, but don't hold onto it...breathe through it and move it out.  Rewrite my stories to serve me.  Do not live in other people's stories, especially ones where I will most likely never know their truth due to circumstances I cannot control.  Remember I am already whole, I just need to feel it, breath it, live it, allow it.

He spoke much more direct and simple than I write.  Such is the way I am finding with men - and women - who get their gifts and bring them to the world.  

They don't mess around, they don't get knocked over by others in their rampages, they don't take things personally and then turn around and start abusing me or running away from me.  They do not internalize the pain I seem to internalize and own even if it is not mine.

They simply take a deep breath, remember who they are and then move forward in love to gently penetrate the world - and me - with their purpose of clarity and love.  They have the ability to get me out of my circuitous head f*cking that comes on with all the questions that have no real answers or resolutions any how.  They have the ability to look beyond my words to the heart of my energy, of what it is I am really needing to see about myself or the world or whatever and move me to that place where I can heal.   

These type of people don't make a lot of noise, do not draw attention to themselves and do not feel the need to fix the world. They simply live their purpose, become their purpose.  In doing so, they are changing the world.

The thing is, he was not the only man I reached out to or who reached out to me during these last three days.  The thing is, my other dear friend who happens to be male and who heard me bitch also did the same thing for me from a distance.  The thing is, it was mostly men who responded to my need for physical help with my body and my family life - giving of themselves in ways that leaves me completely humbled...completely.

There are many:
* It is much easier to fall into victim mentality than I would have thought, even after setting the intention not to do it.
* My attempts to move my anger away from me onto others, to get others to pay for my pain backfired on me big time.  I cannot believe I am saying this - but thank God/dess.  What this brought me was so much outward focused energy that my body had to do something drastic to wake me up and remind me that S/he (cannot use the word "it" for that word is so impersonal) was what needed attention.  
* That while I want to change the world, the only way I can is by focusing on myself and sharing from my own story.  The rest is delightfully not up to me!
* That I already have great examples of healthy "masculine" living in men and women all around me, offering me their gifts and that I just need to open my eyes and my heart to receive them.
* That I have been afraid to surrender to Spirit and thus still block my own energy from myself fully. For in my mind Spirit is associated with the masculine...and we have all seen how wounded I feel my masculine is...and how that woundedness has inflicted pain on me and my feminine being, making "Him" untrustworthy and unable to do what only I can do for myself.  In the end, it is me that is suffering from this fear about myself.  In the end, by keeping my own Spirit "out of me" fully, I am not able to claim my fullness of Oneness.  
* I have now consciously seen how wonderful it is to be penetrated - to be stopped dead in my tracks of my endless emotional flow.  I have seen the freedom of surrendering to the unknown and unanswerable questions.  In the end it is up to me to internalize the concept of allowing Me to penetrate myself, to allow all the Light of Me in to mingle with all of me...and that I am a whole/holy Soul already waiting to be unleashed. 
* I have a love of poetry and prose and mythology and depthness, to go deep and make connections others do not see readily and to bring these connections back into the "light" of day.  I will continue to love this for this is me.  But in the end, what I really need to do more often than not is to:

Keep it simple. 
Remember I am One and One with all.
Stay in my own story.  
If another hands me their's or the world's story, 
or I realize I have picked up another's story,
kindly hand it back to them,
 say no thank you and 
move on.

* Sean Wolf from Body Restoration Clinic is my friend who works subtle magic.  

Friday, April 4, 2014


I have so much to share - yet as I am learning to live in my Relationship where the She in me gets to lead and guide the Masculine in me...well, I am not going to get to share everything I want to share today.  For it is time for me to pull into my Red Tent and be with Her.

As I zipped home from my CPR training just now, I realized that once again my ideas for my outward expression of my inward life - otherwise known as my business plan - is brimming with ideas.  Yet, I decided to live the practice of what I am being asked to live by both my coach and myself in my post from yesterday: to check in with Her first and then allow Her guidance to be held and carried out by the masculine energy that I have.  

So I made a list of everything that was on my head and in my body that wants to get done in the next 3 hours before the kids arrive home, set my timer for 10 minutes and got into my body to see what She had to "say" to me.  What came of this time was that I need to continue to go slow.  The number one priority being for me to rest as much as possible before the long weekend of my moon flow as a single mother of two active boys.

Yet, I will leave you with this: that I left you last night and had a really tough night.  I ended up sitting on the kitchen floor and just weeping for a good while.  I pulled myself and gave myself a long, rejuvenating bath.  I read more of the Sacred Prostitute and I made love - to myself.  

In between the midst of this, I reread something I had written just about 48 hours before I started to have memory recall of the abuse.  There is much more behind the story of why I wrote what I wrote - as there usually is in my little quotes I put out on FB from time to time.  Yet, one thing I have come to realize in the past 6 months is that I can no longer deny my prophetic ability that comes mostly through my writings.  Do I think I am unique in my prophetic abilities?  No, not really.  I think I am just open to Spirit and S/He penetrates me with their ideas and I happen to "listen/hear" and write them down.  

Here is what I wrote two days before my first abuse memories came back to me:
"She can surrender more to herself and to you the more you let her go.  She doesn't need you to save her nor fix her nor solve her problems.  She needs you to focus on you and do that for yourself why she does it for herself.  She wishes for you to choose not to beat yourself up for what you were not able to do or not able to be there for.  She wants you to be there for her but only by letting the need to do these things for her go...the more you let her go the more she can surrender to you and to your gifts, to your penetration and ravishment that take you both to God!"

I had written this for several reasons which I will not go into here.  I can say that 2 days later, right before the abuse memories started to surface, I did finally feel the "let go" I had been asking for. Yet, the reasons for which I THOUGHT I was writing this was not directly for me and my experience.  Boy, was I surprised to look at this again last night - having it NOT in mind when I wrote my post yesterday.  Two weeks later and I see how fitting this was for me at this point in my journey and how it will be a guiding light as I proceed on this journey meandering forward.

Fast forward to this morning and the review of two powerful dreams I had last night.  Again, for sake of time, I will not share them today.  However, I will summarize:
Not the Exact man in my dream but close

1) The first dream showed me that I - after all this time and all this work - STILL have a deeply wounded Masculine side that is clingy, "old" and needy.  He showed up as an old man that was really a boy who couldn't let go of me - of the Feminine Goddess in me.  Somehow, I/my Goddess was able to push him out of my "house" and to lock the back door on him.  I discovered that my words had impact on him, for when I asked  him to take his hand out of the door so I could lock it, he had to do as I asked.  Yet, he quickly - at least as quickly as an old crippled man can move - realized there were other doors to try to get into - which showed me my "old" wounded masculine will not go away easily.

2) The 2nd was about my Goddess, and specifically about the Sacred Prostitute Archetype.  In short, the dream showed me that I have birthed her ALMOST.  She is now out of her prison that I had repressed Her too from my childhood and that She was at least in the running for a Political position of power....and that I was willing to "burn" up my old ways of being and relating in the world in order to support Her and Her run for office.

If you have never worked with dreams and the symbols that are locked inside of them - all I can say is wow.  I started looking at my dreams a little over a year ago, and they have grown in their power to convey to me what is going on inside of me in ways I don't have access to when I am awake.  I have also started reading more about Jung's approach to dream analysis - specifically through the Sacred Prostitute book...and again all I can say is wow.  This man brought genius to the field of psychology - which for him was really about Soul integration and development and not about labeling people and then setting them up to become "insane".

Why am I sharing all this?  That is a really good question.

Mostly because it is so fun...but also so I track my own progress along this journey, to see where I have been, where I am and to find those yummy puzzle pieces that help me know where to go.  Yet...yet to do it in the ways of my NEW relationship that I have formed between my Feminine & Masculine inside.

These dreams, coupled with my prophetic writing and my embodiment times the last two days, have shown me that my wounded lil' girl sitting in the basement is looking for a healthy, strong, resilient Masculine that knows how to meet Her...and that the version of my Masculine is not currently this.  She is no longer willing to accept the version of Masculine I have tried to bring to Her.  She has locked him out of Her past (the back door) and She is quickly running around my house (my inner being) to lock the side and front doors to ensure He no longer can be the emotional vampire, leeching Her of Her vital life source.

These dreams show me that the reason I continue to draw men to me that cannot stay with me for whatever reason is because my own masculine is deeply wounded, needy and unsure of how to become the Masculine I need.  We are all reflections for each other, so of course I will not be able to draw a healthy man to me if my own inner Masculine man is not healthy.

These dreams show me that the reason I need to go really slow right now with the healing of the trauma from the sexual abuse is because I do not yet have a WHOLE & HOLY Masculine side of me to help support this healing process.  The one I had written about yesterday, the one I want to meet me in the dark, in the basement to hold me and allow me to mold into His shape and to be supported by His strength - while strangely enough I can feel him energetically at times with me...I have yet to fully internalize this presence within me.

Ouch - all of that is really hard to write and admit to myself for so, so, so many reason.

With that, I am on the hunt...on the hunt with Her by brining the Healthy sides of me to Her the best that I can, sitting with Her and asking Her what she has to say...or not say.

And I am on the hunt to uncover healthy Archetypes - or characteristics of the Masculine that I can apply to my internal Him to assist Him in His help Him catch up to Her - as she also continues to grow in wisdom and Eros - so that perhaps someday they can relate in a healthy way together.

It feels like a tall task and one that will I'm sure to continue to unfold here for me as I practice my art of surrendering to the writing of my journey.

P.S. If you have any good recommendations on where I can find good Healthy Archetypes of the Masculine...please please do share!

Thursday, April 3, 2014

Mr. FixIt: My Masculine Side

I am a well trained Westerner.  I attended a top public school in Indiana, where I worked my way into most honor classes.  I then went on to Purdue University where I entered the highly analytical Business school. While I was not the top graduating student, I was one of those woman who suppressed her feminine side, suppressed my feminine body and desires in favor of developing the logical, analytical, puzzle-piecing mind.  I applied all that I had in that pursuit.

In our Western world, this side of the mind, the more Masculine side, serves us well.  Even as I finally woke up to the fact that I was a co-dependent living as a victim in my marriage, allowing myself to be manipulated and abused - I remember thinking that I just needed to know what steps to take in order to solve the "problem".  When I saw that my own marriage had died, I set my sights on figuring out the epidemic of abuse in our research, read, analyze, etc. until I could put the pieces together and understand how we got into this mess.

Yet, as I started to wake up more, as I started to ask myself "what does it mean to be a woman, defined by the Feminine?" I started to learn that two realities can co-exist at the same time and both be equally valid.  What I mean by that is I realized my feelings were just as valid and real as the facts and analytical work I read about...even if they seemed to be contradictory.

All this means to me now is that I do not see nor feel nor perceive the world the same way any more...I cannot approach my own life the same way any more.  I hired a wonderful coach back in October who specializes in helping women really pull in and learn to listen to their deep, dark beautiful Feminine Wisdom.  Wisdom that does not make sense logically - yet it does.

A few weeks ago, she challenged me to pull strictly into my body and my body only for a while.  That while I was doing a great job and gifted even at pulling puzzle pieces together from things that are not visible in this world...and while I used my body to help with this... that I could go deeper.  I could get out of my head more, I could listen deeper.  I could see puzzle pieces - yet just take notice of them instead of trying to figure them out.  She challenged me to live my life from my Feminine essence only, to Surrender to Her and knowing that He, my masculine body, my masculine essence and the Divine Masculine all around me would Hold me in that space, safe and sound.

Now as I sit at this precipice, god even as I think back over what I just typed, I can tell there is a war raging inside of me.  A tug of war between my heavily trained and relied upon Masculine side and my sacred, holy Feminine Source of Being.

Mr. FixIt is rearing his sword, seeing the offenses that I have endured.  He is pissed and he wants to let the world know.  Well, guess that might actually be more of the Knight mixed in with Mr. FixIt.  Together, He wants answers and He wants them now.  He wants clarity and understanding from anyone He thinks He can get answers from.  Even if those answers bring more questions or no resolution.  Even if those answers bring about more pain and more hurt, or more confusion ~ He still wants to be let loose to address those men that have been in my life that have run away from me.

He feels my wounds, and He feels them deeply and He wants someone to pay.  He has woken me up the last two nights, and when sleep didn't come back to me easily - He unleashed His line of defense - letting question after question after tireless question run through my head.  Try as I might, he would not be silenced until I gave into the confusion and war raging in me, letting out a few moments of all out kicking and screaming into my mattress - literally.

He feels my pain and He is not okay with it.  It is scary to Him, and something that must be fixed.  But of course, right?  Isn't that what we train the Masculine side of all of us to do?  To look for what is next, to look for the next step, the next thing that will make this all better.  To set up a course of action and to proceed on that course so that I systematically work this shit out of me in a matter of days, weeks or months, but no longer than a year.

He wants to know do I go back into counseling, and if so, who do I go to?  Do I get involved in a support group...but no, He doesn't think He can handle hearing other women declare their abuse to Him...this would be more than He could bare to hear and He might really have to let the heads roll.  So no a support group doesn't sound so good.  What about somatic work with this or this or this person?  What about going dancing every night of the week, even if I am tired?  "We need a way to get it out of you," He says to me. "We have to figure out this process, we cannot let this sit in you any longer now that we have found it.  We must figure this out, and we must do it now."

Meanwhile, I am tired.  I am not sleeping the best, of course.  I have a LOT going on inside of me right now...and it doesn't help when I wake up and start thinking of all that resides in here.  So I am exhausted from trying and failing to carry other people's burdens for them.  I am tired of keeping the secrets that reside inside my body.  I want them out as badly as He does, but I KNOW I must go slow.  If we try to go too fast, I am likely to break something, snap some muscle that doesn't want to release that quickly or stretch that far just yet.

I am sad, and in pain both physically and emotionally.  Yet I do not want to move.  I just want to sit here and be. I do not know what the answer is, I don't know how to fix this any more than He does...and I am okay with that.

I am okay for once, as scary and as terrifying and as uncomfortable/odd/different as it might be for me - I am okay not doing anything with what has been revealed to me about any of this.  I am okay just being, realizing that in the the end I am not broken and I do not need fixing.  That I am still me, I am still the amazing, beautiful, strong and powerful Soul that resides inside this body...a Soul bent towards Love at all costs. For the most part, I am okay not trying to fix me...and the more I type this and sit in this I realize that is the difference I have been learning these last few weeks before all this hit - and thank God/dess for that.

Yes, a woman who starts to have memory recall of her sexual abuse...she is not broken and thus there is nothing to fix.  That is just the society's way of dominating ourselves with our Masculine and ignoring the ways of the Feminine.  Not that there isn't a time to start the work of healing, and that might mean having a more linear plan - or it might not.  Yet there is healing in the just being, in the sitting and being with what is.  And if I am going to be a teacher, a way-shower of the Deep Dark Mysterious ways of the Feminine side of life that balances out the Light...well this is all part of my descent to the Goddess.

The Goddess.  Her ways are NOT logical or analytical.  They are mysterious, they are weighty and full of motion in the stillness.  She resides in the Pregnant Void of Everything.  Therefore, Her ways cannot be questioned nor analyzed nor plotted.  If I am to live being directed by my deep core which is the Feminine Core, I am learning I have to surrender to hearing from Her first.  Cultivating my relationship to Her first, asking Her to share and show Herself to me.

This might mean I go very very very slow through this process as to allow Her time to be heard and held and comforted by my Masculine side instead of submitting to Him and His fixing ways.  She, not just in me, but in the World, has been wounded and silenced for too many years and to demand that I figure out a way to "fix" everything right away, in a matter of weeks or moths even...THAT is illogical.

Just like my good man friend reminded me yesterday - that sometimes all men can do is just be right here with me, hold space for me, hug me, hold me as we both allow what is - to be what is.  This is what the She in me is really yearning for from my own Masculine side.

She is asking for Him to forfeit His desire to fix, His need to control.  To let go of His quest for answers ; instead, to soften His stance and His side of my body so that I can curl up in His arms, melt into His shape and His form...and just be there in that space, just like that.  She does not want to be forced to come up into the Light.  She wants to be met in the Darkness by Him.

She, as the little little girl, has just been discovered after all these years.  She isn't ready yet to come fully into the Light of day, to reveal all that She knows about me and the world after living all these years in hiding, in the basement of my body and my soul.  This is as much for me as it is for She.  I can sense that.  The Light is too much right now, and so She is content to at least come out of the secret room where She was and to remain at the bottom of the stairs for whenever I am able to meet Her there.

Together we will rebuild our relationship, slowly and surely - pacing each other and harmonizing our energies together.  We will remember to play and have fun along the way, to learn how to use Her Power to source My Strength in order to move towards just the daily things of life right now...the mundane things.

Yes, that is about all I can handle at this time.  Focusing on the daily routines, using my Masculine energy - after first checking in with Her to see what She needs for the day - to work on a gentle "to-do" list of rather mundane and earthly duties.  Cooking, grocery shopping, bills and taxes, organize the storage unit, follow up on my certifications and CECS.

Yes, the simple, boring tasks are brining me so much ease of mind and pain right now.  While it takes me quite a bit of discipline to get going - I am finding the joy of being in the moment...stopping to heap over into a ball and cry and/or shout for a moment when the energy moves me that way.

Starting to once again dream about my outward expression of all this "work" I have been doing these last few years and allowing the dream to be given to me instead of driving myself forward so hard and so fast to launch my career.

Practicing maybe 5 minutes a day of going into the basement and just being with Her.  Not insisting that She talks or gives me answers, but just being.  Rubbing her back as She lays on the floor with Her thumb in Her mouth and Her blankie in Her hand.  Being on Her level, waiting for Her to make eye contact and to move towards Me.  I have found this is the way to approach a child who is new in the Dance space...this is the way I will approach my little girl.

This is a very different space that I find myself in.  While I am a woman and while I am no stranger to deep and powerful feelings and emotions...I have a highly trained evolved masculine side that will take some getting used to this "new" way of living, of doing, of being.  He has been okay with letting me feel and move my emotions within safe containers of space of time.  But to allow Her to drive the show, to be the first point of contact for now?

I can feel His skin crawl at these thoughts I have written.  I can hear that He and His desires to set a plan to move forward will not go quietly into the night.  He certainly doesn't understand Her ways and is not sure how to "apply" them on His side.  Yet, He realizes He has been using me and my energy in ways that are no longer serving Him.  He realizes He is so full of tension that leaves Him no energy for pleasure and fun.  He ~ when He stops to be for just a moment ~ realizes He too is tired.  Tired of trying to fix me and my problems - and the rest of the world - never getting to the end of them.  All the while neglecting His own needs and desires, thus walking with a limp.

Art Credit
Art Credit

So with that, He is willing to move into this new space,
just as cautiously as She is willing to move out of Her old space,
to see what it holds for Him as much as for Her.
Yes, this will be a different way of relating to each other -
one where they both will have to break old patterns and behaviors that most certainly will die hard.
Yet, He needs Her to breath just as She needs Him to move.
If they do not find a way to breath and move together, neither one of them
will be able to go any where worth going.

Hmmm, I think this could be the start of a strange yet beautiful New Intimate Relationship...