For the rest of you that read my blog and don't know me - which I have my doubts on Bloggers stats and reporting - so you are probably "ghost" people...but just in case you aren't and you don't know - here is my confession for the day: "I am going thru a divorce." Honestly I thought I would NEVER be here, that I would fight till my dying breath to stay married for that is what a good Christian woman does, right? However, in a matter of a few short months this has become my reality...and while there are some very good parts of being in this place - God is slowly but surely letting the hurtful parts bubble to the surface.
Up until yesterday, when I would share my predicament and would see the the sympathy and sorrow coming down the pipe line - I would throw in the stopper. I would shut them down...tell them in an indirect or maybe even a direct way not to go there. If you are like me - and God knows how many wounded souls there are out here on planet Earth - you don't want to appear weak, like a victim or vulnerable ...for me personally that comes out of a a fear that if people see me like this they will either pity me or pounce on me - meaning they will use my vulnerability to their advantage. Could you possibly say the same about yourself?
Furthermore, I discovered today that while I can talk the talk of being "REAL" with people -- in reality, I have been living on an extremely surface level, for the best part of my life (talk about a confession to self!). On a level where I didn't want people to be sorry for me for the life I have had, for the losses that have come my way - because to me "sympathy" and "pity" and "sorrow" are very negative words. Yet, in a very poignant lesson from God yesterday afternoon - I am starting to learn that letting people in to offer me these sentiments isn't a negative aspect of life...but can be a very healthy aspect of life. For if they offer me their pain and hurt on an personal level - while very scary to those of us that are relationally challenged (and I mean with all people) - this is a very practical way that God shows us his love.
Through letting in just that little bit of sympathy from another human being yesterday, to know that someone else was sorry for the pain and hurt I have suffered - I now hear God sharing these emotions with me in a new way. That He of course can see my pain from where He is, but part of learning to let the good in and set the bad on fire so it runs out - is to let others touch me, touch you with their emotions. For this is God's heart - that we would be Christ to one another in the physical form -thru looks, tears, hugs and even "sloppy wet kisses"...for we are not just spiritual bodies, but physical as well. The two are not separate, but one and the same.
Lastly, I can see now why I kept the sympathy of others out - for it actually hurts more. It hurts to know that others could actually hurt for me, and to know that God, the Healer of all our infirmities, hurts for me. That while I am really good at offering my own heart to others, I cannot do this for myself. While I ask others to be real and vulnerable with themselves and with me, I am afraid to show that I am not as strong as I look or appear. Yet, if I don't learn - if you don't learn - to open yourself up and show that you are hurt and vulnerable - how can you or I ever open ourselves up to accept the LOVE and healing we both desperately, desperately need?
God is crying for me, for my pain and my suffering...and He is crying for you as well - whether you chose to accept it or not. For what you have been thru and what you will go thru...for none of this pain and suffering, hurt and deceit was an original part of His good and perfect plan for us - none of it.
This is what I love about Jesus, and after writing this post I now feel even closer to the physical Person of Jesus. Jesus was the physical body of the triune God...he came to show us that while we are spiritual beings, he cares for us in our physical bodies...he experienced our pain and thru him we find comfort and healing - my theme verse for this Blog. I don't think I could do justice to the passage I am thinking about that demonstrates Jesus' caring physically for us on such a deep level...and so I leave you with a link to a sermon we had the pleasure of listening to just a few weeks ago called the Miraculous Tear.
I hope you will go and watch it, or at least listen to it as you do things around the house, in the car or on the treadmill. I think you will find a different person than you often think Jesus to be; a person that, even though he knew the outcome of Lazuras' death would not be death...that Jesus broke down and "bitterly wept," that Jesus became like a "mama bear"...why? Well you will just have to watch the video to find out! And I want to give you permission to cry, not just a little tear here or there...but to full on sob if you will allow yourself...for in our tears God brings healing.
I leave us with this prayer: That we would let the Almighty God into our lives -- not just on our terms, but on His. That if He wants to show us love thru other people...even if this is thru the pain and hurt of other people's tears, hugs or kisses - or even righteous anger - that we would allow Him to come in, weep and suffer with us. For only by allowing Him to do that, will we be able to come out the other side a much healthier soul - one that knows how to receive Love in all His forms. Only then will we be able to walk bravely forward without snapping our heads back into our shells...
Will you let the bubbles of your pain start to surface?